The Thing About Boundaries

By Janice Nishiyama, Psy.D.

Boundaries is a topic that is frequently discussed in therapy. I think most people have an idea about what they are and that they’re important, but how to implement and maintain them is often a challenge. There are whole books written on this topic. This piece of writing is just intended to get the conversation started.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the imaginary lines between you and another person or group. They acknowledge your separateness from others. They are the guiding principles around what is important to you, and the parameters around how you want to be treated. And, they are critical for healthy, respectful relationships.

Why do we need boundaries?

I think of boundaries as guidelines, rules or laws that help people feel safe. An analogy about the safety of boundaries are traffic laws. If, for example, a red light was as meaningless as a green light, no one would feel safe driving on the road. Because we can rely on the assumption that everyone driving knows the rules, we can believe that driving is generally a safe activity. This applies to personal boundaries in relationships as well. If another person doesn’t acknowledge and respect your need to be seen and treated as separate from them, with your own thoughts, desires, needs, and physical being, you probably won’t feel safe in that relationship.

The good and bad news about implementing boundaries.

The good news is that having and implementing your boundaries is completely within your power and control. The bad news is, it’s really hard to do.

It starts in childhood. Most children are taught and expected to do what their parents, teachers and other authority figures tell them to do and are not encouraged to question what they are told. So, at what point in a person’s life does it become okay or permissible to question or even no longer adhere to/obey/comply with those expectations? For some, no matter what your age, questioning authority can be seen by others and yourself, as rebellious or even deviant. Most people want to fit in, so stepping outside of the assumed expectations can be difficult and scary.

It’s hard to have a conversation with a loved one or a boss telling them that you would like for them to change a behavior or respect your need to say “no.” Further, the other person(s) may even experience your boundaries as mean and/or unreasonable, and most people want to be experienced as nice and reasonable by the people they care about. I have spoken with countless people who express frustration about their attempts to implement boundaries with others. The story sounds something like this: “I keep asking my mother to stop calling me during work hours because she gets so upset with me when I can’t have a lengthy conversation, but she is relentless. I always answer the phone because what if it’s an emergency? I can’t get her to stop.”

So, here’s the thing about boundaries . . . implementing them may start with you asking the other person to respect you in a particular way, but it can’t stop there. When you tell someone that you have a boundary, it would be ideal if they just heard you and respected it, but that’s usually not what happens. Your boundary, unfortunately (or fortunately), is not up to the other person to implement on your behalf. So, in the example above, if this hypothetical person asked their mother to not call during work hours absent an emergency, they may need to: 1. Remind their mother what has been requested in the past; 2. Tell their mother that if she continues, they will either end the current conversation or not answer during work hours; 3. FOLLOW THROUGH. Your boundary is up to you to enforce, and this may mean that you will have to tolerate the idea that someone thinks you’re being unkind, uncaring or unreasonable.

Why don’t people just respect your boundaries?

You are likely to experience resistance to your boundaries, especially if you are changing your behavior or putting limits on someone else’s behavior. People prefer predictability. In Family Systems Theory, there is a concept called “homeostasis.” Homeostasis basically means keeping things the same. People are wired toward a homeostatic state. It’s comfortable, even if it’s not healthy. In relationships or any other established system (e.g., a family, a work environment, a friend group, a couple relationship, etc.), a “usual” way of operating typicallyexists. That’s homeostasis. When one part of the system (possibly, you with your new boundaries) is trying to make a change, the system will work hard and repeatedly to bring the modified part back to homeostasis. If (and this is where the need for your commitment to yourself comes in) the part of the system continues to behave in a changed/different way, the system has no choice but to adjust to a new homeostasis.

This, I recognize, is much easier said than done. There are so many valid reasons why it may be hard, or even feel impossible to implement boundaries with others. That’s where therapy comes in. Therapy can help you define your boundaries, understand the dynamics in the system(s) that are troublesome to you, and help you decide what actions you want to take to make your relationships feel safer and more respectful of you.

For more information about therapy, please contact us directly at (310) 271 2275.

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