Secrecy and Shame: Boys, Men and Sexual Abuse
Monsters is a Netflix biographical crime drama anthology that recently focused on the Menendez murders (Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story). This series provided a lens into the psychological impact of familial abuse and provoked conversations about how these traumatic experiences can lead to extreme actions such as parricide. By exploring the Menendez brothers' claims of enduring lifelong sexual abuse, the show has sparked broader societal conversations about the often-overlooked issue of male sexual victimization and its far-reaching effects. It chronicles the case of the brothers’ murder of their parents, José and Kitty Menendez, wealthy Beverly Hills residents who the brothers say they killed after enduring a lifetime of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse by them
The show has provoked increased conversation around the topic of sexual abuse and, in particular, sexual abuse that happens within families and to boys/men. As a clinician, I often hold the very painful stories of childhood incest told by my clients, male and female alike. While difficult for both, men who have been sexually abused appear to have even more difficulty than their female counterparts in coming forward to talk about the childhood sexual abuse they experienced.
What is Sexual Victimization?
Sexual victimization is a sexual act conducted or attempted by another person without the victim’s freely given consent or against someone who is unable to consent or refuse. Sexual assault, harassment, non-penetrative acts of sex, and attempted and committed rape are all examples of violent sexual behavior and sexual victimization. Research suggests that all genders are vulnerable to sexual victimization.
Prevalence of Male Sexual Abuse
Data on the prevalence of male sexual abuse reveals the magnitude of this often-overlooked issue. According to the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), approximately 1 in 6 boys experience sexual abuse before the age of 18. Additionally, a study by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) indicates that nearly 3% of men in the United States have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. These figures likely underestimate the true prevalence due to underreporting, as societal stigma and fear of disbelief often deter male survivors from coming forward.
By comparison, the NISVS also reports that 1 in 4 girls experience sexual abuse before the age of 18, and nearly 20% of women have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. While the prevalence of sexual abuse is higher among women, the impact on male survivors should not be underestimated, particularly given the unique barriers they face in disclosure and recovery.
Childhood sexual abuse, particularly incest, has a devastating impact on the psyche. The effects can last a lifetime, leading to issues such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance abuse, and difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships.
So Why Do Boys/Men Have a Hard Time Disclosing Sexual Abuse?
Unfortunately, many male and female victims choose not to disclose their sexual victimization because they may feel compelled to protect the perpetrator, who might be an acquaintance, friend, or family member. They may also fear retaliation by their attacker or worry that they will be blamed personally for their victimization.
Men may face additional barriers to disclosure due to societal expectations and stigmas surrounding masculinity. These include:
Fear of Being Judged or Disbelieved
Men often worry about being perceived as weak or unmasculine if they admit to being victims of sexual abuse.
Concerns About Sexuality
Some men may worry about what their victimization says about their sexual orientation. This concern is amplified by the fact that men are more likely to be abused by other men, leading to fears of being labeled or stigmatized.
Misconceptions About Male Victimization
A pervasive myth is that men cannot be raped. This belief invalidates male victims' experiences and may prevent them from recognizing their victimization.
Physiological Reactions During Assault
Erection or orgasm can occur even in traumatic situations due to involuntary physiological responses. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about whether the assault was consensual.
What are Traits of Families That Tolerate Incest and Child Abuse?
Families in which incest and child abuse occur often share distinct characteristics. These environments tend to normalize abusive behaviors through patterns of secrecy, control, and dysfunction. Understanding these traits can shed light on how such abuse persists and can inform prevention and intervention strategies, offering opportunities to break the cycle of abuse and promote healing within affected families:
Frequently Poly-Abusive
Incest often occurs in an environment where other types of abuse are present.
Duplicity, Deceit, and Collective Secrets
The family hides embarrassing secrets, including incest.
Rigid and Tightly Controlled
Demand for Blind, Absolute Loyalty
Poor Role Definition
Children are forced into adult roles, breaking parent-child boundaries.
Poor Boundaries
Disrespect for privacy, rights, and individuality.
Parents Poorly Differentiated in Their Families of Origin
Immature parents unable to function as competent caregivers.
Conflictual Marriage or Troubled Divorce
No Childhood for the Children
Kids are expected to act like adults, taking on responsibilities beyond their years.
Chaotic Household Environment
Frequent moves, instability, and traumatic stress.
Low Level of Appropriate Touch
Lack of normal, affectionate physical contact.
Compensating Veneer of Religiosity
Perpetrators may hide behind a facade of religious piety.
What are the Psychological and Emotional Effects of Sexual Abuse on Men?
Men who experience sexual abuse often face profound and multifaceted psychological and emotional challenges, many of which can persist well into adulthood. The unique barriers to disclosure and societal stigmas compound these effects, leaving many survivors struggling in silence. Common consequences include:
Depression and Anxiety
Male survivors frequently experience persistent sadness, hopelessness, and chronic worry. These symptoms may interfere with daily functioning and lead to social withdrawal.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Survivors may suffer from flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance, causing them to relive the trauma repeatedly. These symptoms often disrupt their ability to feel safe and maintain stability in their lives.
Substance Abuse
Many survivors turn to alcohol or drugs as a means to escape or numb emotional pain. This coping mechanism can lead to addiction and further exacerbate mental health challenges.
Difficulties with Intimacy and Relationships
Trust issues, fear of vulnerability, and difficulty expressing emotions make it challenging for survivors to form healthy and fulfilling relationships. They may avoid intimacy altogether or engage in unhealthy relationship patterns.
Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviors
The weight of shame, guilt, and unresolved trauma can lead to feelings of worthlessness, driving some survivors to contemplate or attempt suicide. It’s crucial to address these thoughts through professional intervention.
Body Image and Self-Esteem Issues
Survivors may struggle with negative self-perceptions, feeling disconnected from their bodies or perceiving themselves as damaged or unworthy. This can impact their confidence and overall sense of self-worth.
Addressing these effects requires a multifaceted approach, including trauma-informed psychotherapy, peer support groups, and societal efforts to reduce stigma and foster empathy. With the right support, survivors can work toward healing and rebuilding their lives.
Moving Forward
To address the destructive impact of sexual abuse, society must create safe spaces for female and male survivors alike to share their stories without fear of judgment or dismissal. Education about male sexual victimization is crucial to breaking down harmful stereotypes and fostering understanding. As clinicians, along with other support networks, we play a vital role in helping male survivors heal and rebuild their lives.
For more information about sexual abuse of men and boys, or to talk to an experienced, trauma-informed therapist, please contact us at (310) 271 2275 or email us at info@pbapsychology.com. We're here to help.
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