Shame and Addiction – The Snake Eating its Tail
By Jolie Rittenberry-Kraemer, M.A., AMFT
It is a long-held saying in recovery communities: “Addicts don’t have relationships; they take hostages.” When you are in a relationship with someone who is suffering from addiction, you will inevitably find yourself trying to come to their rescue. Inevitably, these “hostages” become exhausted by a cycle of trying to help an addicted person only to have that person fall back into familiar habits. For the addicted person, this may then confirm their expectations that they are alone in their addiction, or even alone in this world. There is a word for this in psychology; this cycle is known as repetition compulsion. Unconsciously, we seek repair from the wounds of being rejected or abandoned by recreating relationships that echo a similar dynamic. Then, when those figures end up rejecting or abandoning us, the feeling of shame is comfortable in its familiarity, it confirms the long held negative beliefs we have about ourselves. For the addicted person, this can lead them back to the consistent substitute for connection, that is, substance abuse.
There is a reason why these bids for connection are so fraught when you are in addiction. The addicted person’s search for human connection is mimicked by the temporary rush of the substance. Unfortunately, it inevitably leaves them feeling more alone. Shame fuels the secrecy of the solitary act. When addiction is used as a substitute for human connection, it keeps you in a state of shame around the using behavior and the circumstances that got you there. It whittles down your self-esteem and perpetuates a feeling of solitude. Dependency on a substance can contribute to difficulties with self-care, rigid thinking, and struggles to regulate emotions and behaviors. Addiction does not infrequently result in loss of house and home, work, physical health issues and injury, jail time and DUIs, and sometimes irreparable damage to relationships or one’s reputation, just to name a few consequences. All of this contributes to shame. This shame can even be considered addictive on its own; it feeds itself with negative self-talk, becomes comforting and familiar, and keeps you in a state of solitude. Ironically, it is only through the practice and maintenance of healthy social dependency that the psychic hole, the cause of the addiction, can be patched.
I would contend that much of the problem surrounding addiction is systemic. In the United States, we are told to believe in the “rugged individual”, to admire the strength which comes from the self and doesn’t depend on others. Our society prizes the individual over the community, and yet we know that human beings are neurologically wired for connection, as an evolutionary fitness as opposed to weakness. While shame is something we all experience, many find it very difficult to talk about. This reluctance to seek connection in moments of deep shame– where one feels that they are inherently bad, unworthy of care or love, or broken beyond repair, perpetuates a vicious cycle of internalizing these painful messages and staying in isolation. Shame stops us in our tracks and causes us to retreat from others, snuffing out the courage it takes to be vulnerable, to admit we have needs, to ask for help.
For the addicted person, feelings of fear around closeness, rejection, attack, and dependency with others make the individual process of using drugs the safest place to simulate this need. This is why research has shown that the cure for addiction is connection. Moving out of a place of shame that is inherently unmotivating and into one of accountability, responsibility, empathy and insight activates a sense of action in us to do better. I believe the empathetic bond established in the therapeutic relationship can serve as a safe container and model for other necessary forms of connection to overcome addiction. Providing support in abstinence from the substance, feeling a sense of connection in what most addicted people experience as an isolating existence, and the opportunity for the addicted person to repair early attachment ruptures in a safe, corrective environment, may be the secret to lasting sobriety.
If you are interested in therapy to explore these issues further, please contact us today, call (310) 271 2275, or email info@pbapsychology.com to schedule an appointment.
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