Intention and Openness: Guiding lights for being in therapy
Uncertainty is largely an inherent experience in the process of self-discovery, and so it is unsurprising that it is a theme woven throughout parts of the therapeutic process. Whether starting therapy for the first time or starting again with a different therapist, themes of uncertainty can be present from the very beginning. You may wonder if this therapist is the right fit, how to begin, or what context is relevant. Even in a longstanding therapy relationship, doubts can arise about how to ensure your session is meaningful or about whether your week-to-week sessions are building off of one another. The experiences of doubt and uncertainty that emerge in therapy are not just about the therapy; typically, they reflect and parallel experiences of uncertainty and tendencies towards doubt that we experience in other parts of our lives.
In my own view of practice, I would not suggest the goal of therapy is to altogether rid clients of their feelings of uncertainty, but instead I would suggest that therapy can be a place where clients get to practice and become familiar with navigating through uncertainty while in safe and supported environment.
While I genuinely think uncertainty in therapy can be a helpful training ground, I also understand that feeling disoriented, uncomfortable or lost in therapy be counter-productive. So to find some grounding and orientation when you’re feeling unclear, consider two key points for practice in your own therapy: bringing intention into therapy and approaching sessions with openness. Intention helps you clarify your goals and focus on what might be helpful in your sessions. Openness allows you to explore unexpected topics, to practice building trust, and to discover new insights.
Most clients will express uncertainty about their therapy at some point, saying things like "I'm not sure what to talk about today..." or I don’t know if this is a worthwhile topic…” or I feel like I’m all over the place…” These feelings can be especially common for new clients or those still learning to express themselves and their feelings, but they also come up for seasoned clients when they recognize that they are reiterating topics that have been explored before.
When you’re feeling this kind of uncertainty about your therapy sessions, consider a few simple questions to cultivate your intentions: What is my overall intention for being in therapy? What has been coming up in my immediate context that is related to my therapy goals? Is my uncertainty related to feeling emotionally activated, suppressed, or worn out? How do I feel about my uncertainty?
Sometimes uncertainty and a lack of focus in therapy is accompanied by feelings of embarrassment, guilt, doubt, or even anger about whether we are doing therapy right” as clients, or whether therapy is even beneficial. Such feelings can put unhelpful pressure on the client or on the therapy, which can lead to feeling blocked up in sessions, casting doubt on the therapy, or retreating from therapy altogether. I want to acknowledge that feelings of discomfort about uncertainty are understandable, and also learning to reflect on, understand, and navigate through uncertainty is a key benefit we can gain from therapy. Further, I want to reassure readers that these negative assessments that come up about oneself in therapy are rarely rooted in the therapist's actual experience of their client. A relationally attuned therapist focuses on understanding their client’s experience, not judging whether it is the correct experience. My encouragement, for when you are feeling something like embarrassment, guilt, doubt, or any feelings that lead us to retreat, is to commit towards being open in your therapy. How do we do this? By talking about these feelings with our therapist.
This commitment to being open with our therapist is one way that we practice and cultivate our capacity for vulnerability and trust, while also allowing space for learning something new about ourselves. When we acknowledge and process some our uncomfortable feelings, our defenses, our doubts and uncertainty about therapy or even about the therapist, we learn about our own capacity to navigate uncomfortable and uncertain situations in other parts of our lives. In this way, committing to a practice of openness within therapy builds our overall self-esteem, because we can begin to realize that we do not have to cower or collapse in the face of uncertain and uncomfortable situations.
In summary, consider the two key points to benefit your orientation to therapy:
1. Come to sessions with an intention in mind, helping you recognize progress and stay focused on your goals. This intention can be as simple as "I want to explore my feelings about my relationship" or "I want to understand more about my anxiety.”
2. Remain open to your therapist and to uncomfortable conversations, allowing for exploration and discovery beyond your intentions. When you’re feeling uncertain, doubtful, or disoriented, talk about it with your therapist. This openness can lead to new breakthroughs, self-understanding, and insight.
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