Jolie Rittenberry-Kraemer, M.A., AMFT

On a most recent season of the hit TV show, ‘Couples Therapy’, we see therapist, Orna Guralnick, Ph.D, in session with a polycule for the first time on the show. Although in previous seasons she worked with couples either exploring opening up their relationship or investigating polyamorous experiences as they have impacted the dyads she sees, this is the first time she meets with three clients. In the first episode, you see her bring out an extra stool to place next to the small loveseat in her waiting room where her couples normally sit to accommodate for a third. Josh, Lorena, and Aryn arrive and find themselves amused by this.

From the beginning, we see Orna in consultation questioning “Who is the couple I am working with?” Josh and Aryn are long-term partners who have been polyamorous for the entirety of their relationship. We later discover that there was an infidelity or breach of their poly agreements on the part of Aryn that may need more healing for Josh. Aryn travels most of the year as a performer. Lorena struggles with the sense that she is only a priority for Josh when Aryn is out of town, becoming secondary again when Aryn returns.

Many people find themselves interested in polyamory but feel daunted by the complexity of more than one partner. Even reading about the dynamics between Aryn, Josh, and Lorena may leave you confused or like you can’t keep up. There is no formal guidebook for entering into the world of consensual non-monogamy. What that looks like for every dyad, triad, polycule, and on is vastly different. Finding answers in unfamiliar terrain where things must also be tailored to your specific romantic needs can be daunting, to say the least.

So why is consensual non-monogamy so fascinating for people? For many, it may be the fantasy of having deep emotional and sexual intimacy with more than one person. It may be the prospect of discovering new aspects of your identity and exploring the multitudes within the self. It may be the enjoyment one may receive at witnessing one’s partner experience pleasure, known in the poly world as compersion, or the opposite of jealousy. Or it may be a desire for the “new relationship energy” (the flood of dopamine and oxytocin to the brain also known as limerence) that happens when you first start dating and becoming intimate with a new partner.

These prospects can be very overwhelming when you are raised in a society that frames jealousy as simultaneously a sign of personal weakness, an emotion that shouldn’t be felt, and also one that proves how much you love through a lens of possessiveness. Themes of jealousy and specialness arise in the relationship between Josh, Aryn, and Lorena as Orna explores how “the politics of their being poly is that it is not okay to say no.” The potential for miscommunications, triggers, flashbacks, and breakdowns is vast, and yet the implications for poly relationships are the same in their potential to heal attachment injuries by confronting and healing these wounds via the polyamorous unit.

As a therapist, I am interested in how to approach navigating the murkier relational dynamics, and how themes of jealousy, attachment, and trauma are managed for monogamous couples as well as anything that falls outside of two. For couples, discussing polyamory has been shown to increase intimacy, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction. Finding ways to express deeply vulnerable feelings, and to provide safety to our partners when they are expressed, as well as forgiveness, all have promising implications for both couples and polyamorous relationships.

In an ideal world, we would all have conversations about consensual non-monogamy with ourselves even before we went into relationships, and have contracts and questionnaires before engaging in them, but life is often not so regimented. Finding ways to have these conversations with our partners, and ourselves, may start with therapy. As we discover together your wants and needs, we can begin the work of prioritizing them in a way that is kind and empathetic in partnership.

To explore this issue further in therapy, please feel free to reach out to us at (310) 271 2275.

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